A Little Thanks... His Steadfast Love Endures Forever

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods, for His steadfast love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords, for His steadfast love endures forever;
to Him who alone does great wonders, for His steadfast love endures forever;
to Him who by understanding made the heavens, for His steadfast love endures forever;
to Him who spread out the earth above the waters, for His steadfast love endures forever;
to Him who made the great lights, for His steadfast love endures forever;
the sun to rule over the day, for His steadfast love endures forever;
the moon and stars to rule over the night, for His steadfast love endures forever;
...to Him who led His people through the wilderness, for His steadfast love endures forever...

It is He who remembered us in our low estate, for His steadfast love endures forever;
and rescued us from our foes, for His steadfast love endures forever;
He who gives food to all flesh, for His steadfast love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of heaven, for His steadfast love endures forever.

Psalm 136








Gratitude to God:



143. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
Galatians 2:20

144. Coming to tears of gratitude and praise to God as I memorize familier Scripture, verses I have heard and read since I was a child.

145. Galatians 2:20 penetrating my heart, the Holy Spirit applying it to my life today, opening my heart to soak in the truth of this verse.

146. Thanking God for writing His Word on my heart today

147. A birthday full of love, being surrounded and strengthened by loved ones

148. My church family, who are used by God so beautifully and profoundly in my life; how God reveals, lavishes, and pours out Himself through them in love and grace. Being continually supported and strengthened by the gift of the Body of Christ.

149. My children bursting out of the pantry closet exclaiming, "Surprise!!!! Happy Birthday, Mom!!!!" on the morning of my birthday, exploding with hugs, kisses, and artwork made by each of them just for me. (Michaela made a special pop-up card for me with her declarations of love and affection all over it, Brook drew a picture of a rocket flying out of the atmosphere with our whole family cozy and smiling inside, Silas drew a colorful rocket for me too and a dinosaur, his first drawings like these that I know of!, and Sol colored an entire picture pink, calling it "Pink Smoke".)

150. My little boys singing "Happy Birthday" to me as I tuck them in for bedtime

151. Receiving gifts in person and in the mail:
- a bike from my husband! The million ways he spoils me and cares for me.
- the incredible love of family sent across the miles
- packages from my sisters, a few of my favorite things, their words always speaking straight into my soul...
- a homemade cookie cake made by the dearest of friends! The treasure of her friendship and affection
- birthday greetings on Facebook, the odd blessing Facebook can be sometimes... (smile)
- the pleasure of my birthday falling on a Sunday, worshipping with my church family, thinking deeply on Christ with them, soaking in the preaching of the Word together, meditating on the Gospel and responding to it corporately, what joy!!
- enjoying the presence and company of so many beloved friends on my birthday

152. My heart bursting and melting in thanksgiving before God, knowing I bring nothing good to the table, He is all goodness, I am undeserving of it, yet He lavishes His goodness upon me.

153. Though sinking into mild depression, God sustaining me through His Word and through my family in Christ

154. That God allows the sinking of my heart to remind me that I am empty and lost without Him, so that I can drink Him in more deeply, and then pour out my heart to others from a place of deep gratitude to God

155. God's pursuing commitment to complete the work He has begun in me

156. God setting His affection on me through the gift of His Son

157. How God sets His affection upon His Beloved, the Church, His Body, and cares for her tenderly, patiently, diligently, passionately

158. Today, knowing in the depths of me that I am cherished in the depths of God's heart

159. Being loved- by God, by my family, by God's people

Longing for... Home

  I dry my hair after a shower, standing in one corner of my room, finding myself glancing over at my Bible and journal on the other side of the room, as if they are old close friends I have neglected and am trying to avoid, and I actually feel guilt. I laugh at myself for this, trying to push away that empty, gnawing feeling I've had for the past couple weeks.
  Without effort, my thoughts delve into the deep, searching this ache in me, asking God to awaken something in me that I feel like is dying.

  What are you longing for, Danae?

  ...this question cuts... it both comforts and disturbs me to answer it. So I start slow and simple. NOT allowing my heart to bleed.

  Creativity. Just the ability to create.

  What do you want to create?

  Not a clue.

  (Squirm)

  Ah!! I want to write!!

  What do you want to say?

  (Crickets chirping) ...Silence.

  Hollow ache in my stomach.

  Nothing.

  Well, if I could just have enough QUIET time to think, to process, I could come up with something! SOME kind of healthy, productive outlet!! Something creative to do, something colorful and outside of the lines of the daily grind for me to do alone, or with my kids...or alone... or anything, I'll take ANYTHING!!!! Because I know this is the root of what I'm feeling... this sad, weird, restlessness is me needing something to latch on to, find identity in, something that expresses ME. That IS what is wrong with me right?? This is what I need to make this ache go away, right...?

  The restlessness is churning now, buzzing in my head.

  Go CLEAN something, Danae!! Hurry!! Before you snap!! Go play your guitar, play with the kids, e-mail someone, organize something...

  Too late. My heart is bleeding now. That unsettling question is beating hard in my chest, I try desperately to keep down the lump rising in my throat...

  "What are you longing for, Danae?"


  My heart struggles with this longing I can't quite put into words. It nags at me, it really bothers me, because I feel that there isn't much I can do about it. It is a deep restlessness that scares me sometimes because I don't know what to do with it. It makes me miss loved ones I can't see for long months on end, it makes me impatient to grow in the friendships that will grow only from time and sacrifice, it makes me frustrated at my slow growth, leaving me yearning for a glorious day when I will be wiser, mature, full of grace... less ridiculous, melodramatic, and selfish... I dream... (pitiful sigh)

  This is not a happy place, to be sure, a place I have been time and time again. I go for days, weeks, denying that I am discontent with the routine of life, because I KNOW I have everything I need and more, and I want to be thankful for every blessed and sacred moment.
 
  I deny that I get mad that I can't seem to be creative, mad that I can't seem to do something/be in control of something more than laundry, 3 meals a day, avoiding summer heat, trying to keep me and the kids from going crazy in the house, to playdate or not to playdate... the circumstances I get claustrophobic in vary with the changing seasons. But this familier place is, well, just that- familier, whatever the season of life.


 Yet, in all this mess, these are the Days that remind me of what I am really, truly, always longing for.

 
  I am longing for Home.

 
  I am longing for Jesus.


  My bleeding heart is a hardened one, content to lick its wounds, and it rejects this. It says no, no Danae, your problem is that YOU are not fulfilled. What will make you happy now, right now...? Be practical. Think 5 senses, see, touch, hear, taste, smell... Food? Blogging? Being entertained by music, something funny to watch with the kids? What can I do, see, hear, touch, taste, smell...? So many options... think! So many things to do... so many things so limited... so lacking what my shriveled heart desires... so many distractions... so many things to keep me ignoring what's really going on inside of me... My idol of self-fulfillment trembles.

  ...Jesus. 

  I AM longing for Jesus.

  It is here my heart is pricked by the scalpel of the Holy Spirit's conviction, its edge presses in with precision... it is here Truth resonates in the deep parts of me, here that my idol of self-fulfillment crumbles. I know that even if I receive self-fulfillment from all the things I think will fill this aching deep... I will still only have grasped a passing, temporal fulfillment that will soon fade, and I will be left with only the option to consume more, to conquer my soul's unquenched thirst yet again with what does not satisfy... It is NOT merely my own self-fulfillment needing to be satisfied that is my problem here. Self-fulfillment, in whatever form, in its "purest" form, will not satisfy me, and when I ride its short-lived highs, I inevitably experience its intense, brutal lows- I experience something that cannot be put into words... a fathomless grief that I cannot be satisfied with anything in this life, in this world... a raging thirst to be lost in the wonder of something beyond this life, beyond this world... a ravenous hunger for every breath to be saturated in wonder, depth, and beauty...

  
   I am longing for Home.

 
  I am longing for Jesus.

  
  I am longing to be with the One my heart loves... because He first loved me. To be with my Creator, the only One in whom there is no end to Beauty and Life, the One in whose hands all things are made new. I breathe in the truth of His unchanging character and it fills that desperate thirst to be lost in the wonder of something beyond this world.

  Only HE fills that void.

  THIS is my longing, the deep ache I have... for my corruption to be no more, to be eternally consumed in the presence of my God and my Redeemer. I long for Home.
 

 
   Do I long for creativity? Yes. Passion? Yes. Inspiration? Sure. Depth? Most definitely. Anything else that is lovely, that breathes fresh wonder into our souls, shows us how beautiful life is, and makes us come ALIVE somewhere deep inside- YES. But I am so good at trying to find fulfillment in these things in themselves, forgetting Who has given them and Who is pointing me to Himself...

  He is patient, and He is kind, He allows me those days of coming to the end, the scraping of the bottom of the bowl, a place where the emptiness hurts, and we feel the pangs of starvation... it is here He reveals that I am starving for HIM. I am longing for every moment to be saturated in the wonder, depth, and beauty of Christ.

   
   
Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

John 4:13,14




As the deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?

Psalm 42:1,2




O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon You in the sanctuary,
beholding Your power and glory.
Because Your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise You.
...My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
And my mouth will praise You will joyful lips...
My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63:1-8
   


One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in His temple.
... You have said, "Seek My face."
My heart says to You,
"Your face, Lord, do I seek."

Psalm 27:4, 8



Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart
And my portion
Forever.

Psalm 73:25,26



"What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love Him" -
these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit.
For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.

1 Corinthians 2:9,10






Gratitude to God:

June 23, 2012

101. The cool of the morning

102. A chorus of birds, greeting a new day

103. Morning mist, dew on the grass

104. A cup of hazelnut coffee

105. Rising early, time to pray, read, and write to my leisure

106. Coming home to my kids, excited to see me

107. The sweetness of my kids when they first wake up

July 4, 2012

108. Pleasantly tired and slightly sunburned from swimming with the kids

109. Brook and Si beside themselves at learning to swim today

110. Witnessing so many tender moments in my kids’ lives, being a part of these moments

111.The kids staying up late, wrapped in blankets outside, marveling and shouting and constantly commenting on the fireworks overhead

112. Celebrating the independence of a nation in which there is religious freedom for Christians

113. Freedom to share the Gospel

114. Freedom in Christ; being a citizen of heaven, storing incorruptible treasures in heaven in Christ. By the mercy and grace of God, not being consumed by temporal and earthly cares that will pass away.

July 9, 2012

115. A basket of fresh fruit piled high

116. The way my kids love apples, their favorite snack

117. Reflecting on time spent with dear friends and loved ones in the past couple of weeks, so thankful for these people placed by God’s loving hand into our lives!

118. Growth, maturing

119. Turning from fear, letting go of fear- embracing love, seeing through God’s love, not my own fear

120. Talking with my dad on the phone for awhile, really catching up, never a dull moment- what a blessing!

121. Relating to my parents as an adult, how it makes me feel closer to them than ever- I feel like I know them better now then I ever did as a child or young adult; and I realize this knowing can and will grow as the years go by- looking forward to that

122. Pacing myself, taking days “off” to make the most of days with nothing planned, just me and the kids at home

123. How blasting music while I clean or cook centers me and the kids, and they enjoy the loud music with me, while they play and draw or make crafts at the table

124. All of us singing loudly with the artist serenading us on cd

125. Cuddling with my kids

126. My daughters’ soft, golden hair, my sons’ dark tanned skin

127. Michaela and Silas’ green eyes that they got from their Daddy; how much they are both like him and each other

128. Brooklynn’s light brown eyes, Solomon’s dark brown eyes and their round cheeks that they got from me; how much they are like me and each other

129. Cooking dinner for my family and everyone eating together- eating well and happy

130. Reading Charlotte’s Web with Michaela

131. Enjoying “The Jesus Storybook Bible” as much as my kids do! Enjoying teaching and reading from this book when I teach the children at church in Sunday school

132. Bonding with my friends’ children- getting to know these cute and hilarious kids my own children know and love as their best of friends

133. Painting my daughters’ nails and toenails with their choice of vibrant fuchsia nail polish

134. Making paper airplanes for my boys

135. My soft, warm bed, welcoming me in to be still and enjoy the quiet of the evening

136. Not knowing how to stop adding to this list whenever I sit down to add more

July 18, 2012

137. Thinking over the last week or two, so thankful to be a part of so many lives

138. Celebrating the birth of a brand new little boy, the son of dear friends; being a part of the excitement of the day he came, the blessing this family is to our lives

139. Going out of town for two days with the women of my church to a women’s conference that blessed our lives; soaking in the Word and teaching and each other’s company

140. The relationships God continues to build and bless at Redeemer Church, the work He is doing among us

141. Absorbing “The Attributes of God” by A.W. Pink and “The Knowledge of the Holy” by A.W. Tozer, praising God for how books like this impact me deeply on every level

142. How solid teaching and books stir my hunger and thirst for Christ, for the Word of God! How this strong, deep, passion humbles me before God, knowing it only comes from Him, because I am absolutely aware of all the time that passes when I do not have this strong desire to drink Him in and soak in the Word… and it makes me so thankful, SO THANKFUL that He gives us eyes to see, ears to hear Him… broken and contrite hearts to know Him.

Sacred Moments, Part Two

  As I shared in my previous post, I want to share some moments I’ve had with my kids, to remember them as they are now, to remember the days I have them close and small, days, I am told by older and wiser parents, that will pass more quickly than I can know right now. So I want to treasure some of the moments I have with them here, in no particular order. The dates are for me mostly, for memory’s sake.

June 14, 2012

  Michaela asked me if I still have my wedding dress and if she could see it today.

  I pulled it out of its hiding place in my closet, and spread it over my bed. We looked at it together, she examined all its details. She wowed and marveled over the veil my mom made to go so beautifully with my dress. She dreamt of maybe wearing it one day, asking me question after question about my wedding day.

  …Mother-daughter moments that threaten to make you a weepy mess- you never see ‘em coming.

  One rainy day, I took the boys on a morning date to Starbucks. Silas, not quite four years old, was pleased as punch sitting next to me sipping his chocolate shake, occasionally sharing his very important and very random thoughts with me and Solomon.

  His eyes and mind were busy with people-watching, all sorts coming in from the rain, soothed by the warmth of indoors, easing into the line to order, pulling out wallets to pay for their orders.

   After 10 or 15 minutes of observation, and a very long pause, Silas looked at me, thoughtful and serious, stating, “Mom, God doesn’t have a wallet.”

  “What does He have, Silas?” I ask.

  “He has money in rainbows, the sky, the grass, and the mountains.”

  There you have it, folks. You heard it here.

 

  Brooklynn and Silas killed their first frog yesterday.

  After 3 hours of them playing outside so contentedly, I thought it might be a good (not to mention, responsible) idea to check on them in the backyard. I found Silas quietly coloring at the outside table with his right hand, while his left hand held a poor frog in a death grip in the air, pinching its sides towards its back, its black eyes bulging in pure terror, its legs hanging lifeless.

  I exclaimed over it, telling him to put it back quickly, quickly, quickly!, trying my best not to throw up. He brought it over to its hole in a panic, putting it in like some kind of 2 year old frog expert.

  In the afternoon, I found the frog, dried up and dead, sitting in the sun on the grass.

  …They’re playing quietly outside right now… much too quietly…

2/28/11

  Solomon insists on riding his rocking horse in the middle of the living room. We drag it back into the playroom, and when he notices it’s gone, he drags it back, mumbling his disapproval that it was moved at all.

9/10/10

  Silas is walking around with Brooklynn’s polka-dotted lunchbag, telling me over and over again, “Don’t stay in my purse.”

   He is quoting me- I say to him and Solomon all the time, “Stay out of my purse!!”

   He has 3 or 4 play cameras in this “purse”, he is pretending to snap pictures with them. He says he “bites” when he takes a picture. He took a picture of my face and said, “Mom, I bite your eyes.” He turned and took a picture of our room and said, “Mom, I bite the room.”

Sept. ‘10

  I’ve noticed lately that when I vacuum, the testosterone mounts in my sons’ veins, and they are transported to a strange, barbaric world in which I am the great monster/dragon seeking to devour them.

June 2011

  As I helped Brooklynn put on her socks and shoes this morning, she says “You’re naked!! No, I’m not!!”

  I ask, “Who are you talking to, Brooklynn?”

  “My feet.”

Ok, I’ll say it.

I like Tangled as much as my two little girls do.

I said it.

“Then I brush and brush and brush and brush my-y hair…!!”

March 16, 2012

  This morning, it happened.

  I’ve sworn to myself never to wipe anything off my children’s faces with my saliva.

  Four kids into marriage, eight years into motherhood, I have stayed true to my word.

  Until today.

  In the rush of the morning, leaning in for a kiss to send Brooklynn off to school, I spotted jam on her cheek. Before I even knew what my body was doing, I was licking my thumb and swiping that jam right off her sweet little face. She and I laughed together as I exclaimed, “That’s the first time I’ve ever done that, Brooklynn!!!”

  I’m growing up.

April 4, 2012

  As I laid Solomon down for a nap today, settling his blanket over him, he yanked his chubby fingers from his mouth abruptly and looked up at me, his big brown eyes wide.

  I knew this was going to be important.

  “Mom, I’m gonna have a good dream of GOD,” he said very solemnly.

  My heart almost exploded. But that probably would have ruined the moment.

May 3, 2012

  Michaela’s 2^nd grade writing assignment:

  Read the beginning sentence.

  Finish the story.

  Write a title for the story.

  (Beginning sentence)  One day I saw an octopus in a shoe store.

  Michaela’s sweet 7 year old work:

  (Title) Talking to an Octopus

  “One day I saw an octopus in a shoe store.

  It had six shoes or more. I met the octopus, it was very kind to me. But the octopus told me it was not kind to a bee. The octopus talked to me, yes, it’s true, but the red octopus, his brother, came along too. The red octopus was not very kind, it seemed that it was out of its mind! It was time to go and I knew, the octopus’s would go too.

  The end.”

May 23^rd 2012

  Solomon has finally peed in the toilet for the first time. (Yes, he is 3… yeah, I know, I know, everybody!! I’m still growing up, too! ;)

  Silas, the big brother, was SO excited. He ran through the house yelling, “Mom, he peed!! He did it!! Solomon peed in the toilet!!! We HAVE to tell Daddy!!!!”

  I congratulate my youngest on his accomplishment, and pick up the phone to call Kevin, at Silas’ urgent request. Silas is VERY persuasive.

  As I wait on the phone, I see and hear Silas telling Solomon how proud he is of him, to hurry to follow him to their room so he can get some of his underwear for Solomon.

  Solomon strutted behind Silas with a very big boy look on his face, his chest puffed out, quite pleased with himself as he followed his proud big brother, who was about to share the sacred stash of cool Spiderman and Superhero underwear with him.

  The Day has come.

  We help him get the underwear on and Solomon shares the news with his proud Daddy. Kevin shares our happiness, giving his approval to all of us over the phone, telling Solomon how proud he is of him, telling me how proud he is of Silas for how happy he is for Solomon, telling me “Don’t drop the ball” as we say good-bye (his way of telling me he’s proud of me too).

  I told Silas how proud his Daddy is of him, and we all wore the same contented smiles on our faces.

  Kevin- Father, Husband, was proud of us. What more do we need to know today?

May 30, 2012

  Around 7:30 this morning, standing in the kitchen readying the coffee pot to brew, I take in the scene before me, my senses on overload.

  The kids were “eating breakfast at the table”-

  Michaela was mutilating her gummy bear vitamin, yelling things like “I don’t have any arms!” and “I don’t have a brain!” on its behalf.

  Brooklynn and Solomon were running circles around our dining and living room, Solomon screaming for no particular reason, Brooklynn- just running.

  Silas was singing, “I’ve been dreaming of a true love’s kiss…!!” (from Enchanted) as handsomely as he could, declaring “Giselle!!!” from time to time, in between bites of cereal and milk.

  I re-seat the marathon runners, moving into the bathroom with Michaela to fix her hair for school. As I braid, she breaks into song… The Twelve Days of Christmas.

  At this point, I surrender.

  We finish the whole song together. We sing through fixing her bed, making lunches for school, getting shoes on, etc.… Approaching the 12^th day of Christmas, we raise the key for the grand finale, lifting our voices in exaggerated, operatic tones, Michaela clearing bowls and spoons, me, sweeping over milk circles and drippings with my washcloth… we close the song as obnoxiously as possible.

  Yes, I know all the words to that dreadful song.

  And yes, it was an out-of-body experience.

  And now for that cup of coffee…

June 1, 2012

  If you ever have 6 kids in your care for a day, ages 9 and under, and they ask you if they can make a “cave” in the kids’ bedroom, say “Most definitely, yes!!” and give them all the supplies they need (blankets, sheets, bed mattress…). Once they are engrossed in their work, back out of the room, then yell something over your shoulder like “It’s so loud… I’m shutting the door…!” Then close the door behind you.

  You will be amazed at the quiet house you’ll have in your hands.

  I understand how the illusion of being powerful can be so addicting…

June 11, 2012

  While Solomon was waiting for his breakfast this morning, he began to whine, “Mooooom, I want my FOOOD………..”

  I told him, “Solomon, stop whining. You act like a big boy and wait nicely. Are you acting like a big boy?”

  Without hesitation he replies, “I’m acting wike a kid.” (he pronounces his L’s like W’s J)

  Brooklynn and Silas are playing zoo in the confines of the boys’ room. Brooklynn is playing the part of every zoo animal splendidly, and apparently all the cages of this expansive zoo are found just behind the Spiderman sheet draped in front of Silas’ bottom bunk.

  Silas is having a conversation with Brooklynn, who, I forgot, is also the Head Zookeeper…

  (Silas) “I can work here forever and ever and ever???!!!”

  (Brooklynn, in a voice like Dora the Explorer) “Yes!!!!!!! We are so exciting!!! (‘exciting’ is how she says excited) Okay, but if you work here forever and ever it’s gonna be a lot of work. You will have to sweep ALL the floors, fix the cages, and feed all the animals.”

  “Okay.”

  “And then when you’re done, you can look at the animals.”

  This doesn’t seem like all it’s cracked up to be… but it’s probably just me.

Sacred Moments, Part One

  I want to share some moments I have had with my children. Most of these tales will have dates, that is mostly for me, to remember how old they were at the time, to remember the season of life we were in, to remember how small they are; one day I will read this to remember how small they were.

  And one day, when I am less computer illiterate and have more time, I will post pictures to go along with these moments… For now, I trust that you and I have great imaginations and we can manage well enough. ;)

  To begin, here are some thoughts I wrote to all of my kids in a journal in which I planned to write many thoughts for them to read when they were older. To their future relief, I wrote all of three entries in that journal. :) They will find such thoughts for them here now. I was going to begin with funny random stories about them, but I’ll save that for next time; I felt that it was only right to begin with words I wrote directly to them, since I never quite filled up that journal I meant to fill for them.

  Kids, this is for you, in hopes that these sacred moments with you are kept in a place easy for you to find when the day comes that you may want to find them here.

Sept. 15, 2010, Wednesday

  Tonight, your Daddy went to talk with Pastor Shawn and Mr. Seth. Almost right after your Daddy left, I got you all back in bed, after you all got up again :), and I was about to sit down for my own time, but I remembered telling you guys that one night I would let you lay under the stars with me, like we laid under the clouds together a few days ago.

  Tonight, I got Silas, Brooklynn, and Michaela up and we laid on a blanket in the backyard and sang “How Great Thou Art”, “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”, “Love the Lord Your God…”, “Jesus Loves Me”, and “Silent Night” together. Michaela asked a lot of questions, noticing every plane passing overhead, Silas tried to sing every song with us even though he didn’t know all the words, Brooklynn giggled and said sweet things about the moon and how beautiful the songs were.

  I’ll never forget it, kids, and I plan on doing that with you again and again. Promise me you’ll do that alone or with a friend from time to time, too. I love you.

  Solomon, you are 19 months old right now. You were so relieved to go to sleep in your bed tonight. You are my sweet, rotten boy. I can’t wait for you to join us looking at the stars.

  Good night, my angels. You’re my favorite.

  -Your Momma

 Still Sept. 15, 2010

My dear Michaela,

  Tomorrow is your 6^th birthday. It is a big deal for me, more than I know, more than you know. I don’t show it, I enjoy my days with you by being very normal, because this is when/how we make memories we’ll never forget together in the best way, I think. ;) 

  I found a “song”, or maybe it’s a poem, in my notebook that I wrote to you, for you, a few days ago. I was tired from a long day at home taking care of you and your sister and brothers, I was so guilty and sorry and full of shame for the ways I had dealt with you that day, as I have been many days. You and I had had a rough couple of weeks together, and my ways of dealing with you in my impatience and exasperation really got to me this particular day that I sat down to write the words I’m going to share with you. One day I hope you will read this as a young lady or woman, and you will understand all that I’m writing to you now.

  You are my baby girl, you grow so fast, you are God’s gift to me, I cherish all He has given and will give me in you.

  I know I’ve written all of this to Michaela so far, but my thoughts here are ones I think towards each of you, my babies, Michaela, Brooklynn, Silas, and Solomon.

I Can’t Tell You

I’m so easily moved, I readily refuse

What I know is good for me

I justify my attitudes

My selfish ways of getting what I want

Easily angered, ready to risk it all

For myself, for one of my moods

Do I tell you that I’m sorry?

I don’t want to give up on you

My love, my angel

I don’t want to lose your heart

My baby girl

I don’t want to throw away these years

These moments

I’m sorry for how I must hurt you

I know how I have failed you

I can’t let another moment pass

Before I tell you…

…I can’t tell you how much I love you

You were a dream

I still can’t believe I’m watching you grow

You’re so beautiful, My little baby girl

I adore your little world

Your precious reflections, your too many questions

Life has its burdens

God has given me a heaven in your eyes

His beauty in your smile

I thank Him for you every day, and every night

My love, my angel

Beautiful child

I see God’s beauty in your smile

December 24, 2010, 10pm

  All of you are asleep. Your cousins, Kiera and Julianna are asleep, too, they are here with Uncle Jake and Auntie Michelle for Christmas.

  It is Christmas Eve night. I have been learning so much this year. Lately, I’ve been asking God to change me and help me stop yelling at you. I have had a few days that this is really happening! But as I prepared the house to host our family this week, I lost it on you again.

  But it has not taken from us! God brings me, leads me to repentence in my heart, in His kindness and His goodness, and we grow together.

  I’ve been so thankful for how He is helping your Daddy and I teach you about Christmas this year. We have told you of the birth of Jesus, and how and why Jesus came to this earth to save us. You have been so receptive, and I pray you will always be growing in this every year, all through the year.

  I’ve been thrilled to find Veggie Tales Christmas dvds for you that have been helpful to me to tell you what Christmas is really all about. About Jesus! And also helpful, the (modifiedJ) true story of how St. Nicholas was a man who loved God and helped those in need around him because God had given him much, he wanted to share Christ with people and that is why he gave generously.

  It was my desire this year to really shift our Christmas and those to come away from Santa and other things, to Christ and the Gospel. Christmas is a time that we recognize that Jesus is/was the “Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing.”

  O come let us adore Him…

  O come let us adore HIM, Christ the Lord, my dear children.

 

  How can I tell you how much I love you?

  Sharing Jesus and His great love with you is one way, the most important. My ultimate desire for you is to know Him, His love, and grow in the adoration and wonder of Him.

 

I love you-

Your Momma