It's been a quiet Monday inside my home with my boys, a day that feels like rain may come.
I am heavy with thought, as I usually am on any cloudy day I can get here in usually sunny Bakersfield, CA. Perhaps that is why I have begun this blog on this very random Monday, I've been waiting for just the right melancholy moment...(smile)
I've analyzed and over-analyzed why on earth I want to start my own blog. I am surrounded by dear, beautiful women who have begun the blogging journey, writing so beautifully, sharing their deepest heart thoughts, their growth, pointing me to Christ, encouraging my soul, building up those who follow. I have received so much from how these women have shared their lives in this way, that with every new post I read, it stirs my own desire to put to words what is churning within me.
I have analyzed, been convicted of, repented of, my desire to just be heard. Blogging is humbling I find, because it is a place to write whether or not anyone is listening. In my journal, my writing is safe, because I can say I intended for no one to read it! I have learned from those whose blogs I follow that it takes guts to write like this, I see them as some of the bravest people I know.
So, write, I MUST. I don't know why, it is a strange outlet for me, because I usually don't know what I want to write in the first place. Which makes me feel like I am punishing anyone who is helplessly reading anything I write, like I am doing now... which is why I stick to journaling and now am wondering why I'm even doing this again. (sigh) For whoever may read this, bless your heart, you didn't know what you were in for...
The last four paragraphs are the perfect example of why I began this blog today. I am left alone with my thoughts too much. Even when I share with others, I withhold a black hole of thoughts gone wild, going in every direction, it is evidence of God's grace to me when I can interact with others with any self-control or communicate anything at all! I think too much... more specifically, I think about MYSELF too much. More specifically still, I think about my thoughts about myself too much. It's nauseating...ok, let's be honest, Danae, it's totally disgusting and repulsive really. Writing this blog will be for the times that I want to make it a point to shutup. Which is ironic, because I will "shutup" through writing... it'll make sense in the end, I suppose!
I want to stop. To look away from myself. To turn and repent of my pride. To repent of how inward I turn, how wayward my heart is...and ask the God who searches my heart and knows my thoughts (Psalm 139), the God I hunger and thirst for (Psalm 63:1), to lift up my head and turn my face, all my desires, all my affections, all of my inmost parts to behold Him.
I hate my self-absorption. In this moment, I hate it. But in a few moments I may love it again, and not even know it. Being absorbed in myself is my deepest sin, my greatest bondage. It is the drunken stupor I am lost to without knowing I am drunk.
I am convicted of it today. I am drawn out of it to clarity of mind through God's Word. I want to be still, to know my God...is God. In Hebrews, I read today, "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." (Hebrews 4:11&12) I pray Psalm 139, "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Today, I pray, God, make me still, open my heart to Your truth, and cause my heart to cling to You. Let me grow in the knowledge of You, Jesus, and not be lost to my own emptiness and fruitlessness today. Help me to see You, to know You more. Amen.