Sacred Moments, Part One

  I want to share some moments I have had with my children. Most of these tales will have dates, that is mostly for me, to remember how old they were at the time, to remember the season of life we were in, to remember how small they are; one day I will read this to remember how small they were.

  And one day, when I am less computer illiterate and have more time, I will post pictures to go along with these moments… For now, I trust that you and I have great imaginations and we can manage well enough. ;)

  To begin, here are some thoughts I wrote to all of my kids in a journal in which I planned to write many thoughts for them to read when they were older. To their future relief, I wrote all of three entries in that journal. :) They will find such thoughts for them here now. I was going to begin with funny random stories about them, but I’ll save that for next time; I felt that it was only right to begin with words I wrote directly to them, since I never quite filled up that journal I meant to fill for them.

  Kids, this is for you, in hopes that these sacred moments with you are kept in a place easy for you to find when the day comes that you may want to find them here.

Sept. 15, 2010, Wednesday

  Tonight, your Daddy went to talk with Pastor Shawn and Mr. Seth. Almost right after your Daddy left, I got you all back in bed, after you all got up again :), and I was about to sit down for my own time, but I remembered telling you guys that one night I would let you lay under the stars with me, like we laid under the clouds together a few days ago.

  Tonight, I got Silas, Brooklynn, and Michaela up and we laid on a blanket in the backyard and sang “How Great Thou Art”, “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”, “Love the Lord Your God…”, “Jesus Loves Me”, and “Silent Night” together. Michaela asked a lot of questions, noticing every plane passing overhead, Silas tried to sing every song with us even though he didn’t know all the words, Brooklynn giggled and said sweet things about the moon and how beautiful the songs were.

  I’ll never forget it, kids, and I plan on doing that with you again and again. Promise me you’ll do that alone or with a friend from time to time, too. I love you.

  Solomon, you are 19 months old right now. You were so relieved to go to sleep in your bed tonight. You are my sweet, rotten boy. I can’t wait for you to join us looking at the stars.

  Good night, my angels. You’re my favorite.

  -Your Momma

 Still Sept. 15, 2010

My dear Michaela,

  Tomorrow is your 6^th birthday. It is a big deal for me, more than I know, more than you know. I don’t show it, I enjoy my days with you by being very normal, because this is when/how we make memories we’ll never forget together in the best way, I think. ;) 

  I found a “song”, or maybe it’s a poem, in my notebook that I wrote to you, for you, a few days ago. I was tired from a long day at home taking care of you and your sister and brothers, I was so guilty and sorry and full of shame for the ways I had dealt with you that day, as I have been many days. You and I had had a rough couple of weeks together, and my ways of dealing with you in my impatience and exasperation really got to me this particular day that I sat down to write the words I’m going to share with you. One day I hope you will read this as a young lady or woman, and you will understand all that I’m writing to you now.

  You are my baby girl, you grow so fast, you are God’s gift to me, I cherish all He has given and will give me in you.

  I know I’ve written all of this to Michaela so far, but my thoughts here are ones I think towards each of you, my babies, Michaela, Brooklynn, Silas, and Solomon.

I Can’t Tell You

I’m so easily moved, I readily refuse

What I know is good for me

I justify my attitudes

My selfish ways of getting what I want

Easily angered, ready to risk it all

For myself, for one of my moods

Do I tell you that I’m sorry?

I don’t want to give up on you

My love, my angel

I don’t want to lose your heart

My baby girl

I don’t want to throw away these years

These moments

I’m sorry for how I must hurt you

I know how I have failed you

I can’t let another moment pass

Before I tell you…

…I can’t tell you how much I love you

You were a dream

I still can’t believe I’m watching you grow

You’re so beautiful, My little baby girl

I adore your little world

Your precious reflections, your too many questions

Life has its burdens

God has given me a heaven in your eyes

His beauty in your smile

I thank Him for you every day, and every night

My love, my angel

Beautiful child

I see God’s beauty in your smile

December 24, 2010, 10pm

  All of you are asleep. Your cousins, Kiera and Julianna are asleep, too, they are here with Uncle Jake and Auntie Michelle for Christmas.

  It is Christmas Eve night. I have been learning so much this year. Lately, I’ve been asking God to change me and help me stop yelling at you. I have had a few days that this is really happening! But as I prepared the house to host our family this week, I lost it on you again.

  But it has not taken from us! God brings me, leads me to repentence in my heart, in His kindness and His goodness, and we grow together.

  I’ve been so thankful for how He is helping your Daddy and I teach you about Christmas this year. We have told you of the birth of Jesus, and how and why Jesus came to this earth to save us. You have been so receptive, and I pray you will always be growing in this every year, all through the year.

  I’ve been thrilled to find Veggie Tales Christmas dvds for you that have been helpful to me to tell you what Christmas is really all about. About Jesus! And also helpful, the (modifiedJ) true story of how St. Nicholas was a man who loved God and helped those in need around him because God had given him much, he wanted to share Christ with people and that is why he gave generously.

  It was my desire this year to really shift our Christmas and those to come away from Santa and other things, to Christ and the Gospel. Christmas is a time that we recognize that Jesus is/was the “Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing.”

  O come let us adore Him…

  O come let us adore HIM, Christ the Lord, my dear children.

 

  How can I tell you how much I love you?

  Sharing Jesus and His great love with you is one way, the most important. My ultimate desire for you is to know Him, His love, and grow in the adoration and wonder of Him.

 

I love you-

Your Momma

Growing in God's Grace

 

  I have only the list I began in February of last year to record here today, and the effects beginning this list again has had on me. My entry for Feb 16, 2011 that I begin with below should have been in my last post, but no matter, it is a list of thanks to God for the countless things I have to thank Him for and see His grace in, whatever the order. 

  The more I add to this list, the more I write it out, I find it unveiling and softening places in my soul that I did not know were veiled or hardened. My gaze has turned to Christ where I have not looked to Him, where I did not know I was blinded, by my own pride, by the cares of this life.

  It humbles me when I take the time to really look to see His goodness, AND thank Him for it.

  It shows me the severity of my condition, how depraved I am, taking all His grace, all His ways, all His wisdom, all His patience, all His mercy… for granted. I see that I not only neglect to thank Him, but more accurately, refuse to acknowledge His presence in every part of my life.

  Acknowledging God (giving glory to Him, looking to Him, turning to Him) is acknowledging His holiness and perfection, which in turn means acknowledging that I am all WRONG. (Romans 1:16-23) That my motives are selfish, that I pollute even the good things I receive from Him because I cannot produce any goodness from my own heart or hands, that I am stained and wracked with sin… that wherever His presence is, there MUST be purging, there WILL be cleansing… where I don’t see my sin, I will see it for what it is in light of Him. Where I am comfortable with my sin, I will be made uncomfortable. I know I WILL be changed wherever HE touches… and I avoid it. That is how hard this heart is. It takes HIS pursuit and initiative for me to even see my pride, and then to lay it down, enabling me to acknowledge Him, to surrender to Him in worship, in thanksgiving.

  This list is a constant reminder for me to give thanks to God. Giving thanks to God is seeing that He is indeed in every part of my life. This gratefulness makes me awake, it shakes me out of slumber, it shakes me out of oblivion, to alertness. It pulls me out of the grasp of discontentedness to search out the details of God’s fingerprints upon my life and I find joy in the fullness of Christ, in all things, in whatever circumstances- “For from Him, and to Him, and through Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen.” (Romans 11:36)

  Recognizing God’s goodness and giving Him thanks breaks open my heart to receive His GRACE. I want to grow in God’s grace! I want this brokenness before Him every day. I want a thankful heart towards Him to grow in me. I want a thirsty heart quenched only by the joy I find in Christ when my heart is overflowing with thanks to Him!

  

  For whoever may be reading this today, it means more to me than I know how to say to share this with you. I have gone ahead and shared all the list I have from last year down to what I’ve added recently because I have been writing down many things I have been grateful for and I can’t seem to stop. I thought about making this post a “part one” and adding a “part two” for the more recent things added to my list, so this post wasn’t so long, but I just couldn’t shake the desire to keep all I have so far together in this post. Later, I will add more in another post.

  To any of my family reading, please read down into the “70/80’s” of my list, because I began thanking God for you in specific ways, and I want you to know how my thanks to God for you came pouring out! I love you tremendously… so tremendously, it hurts!

  Thank you for reading, I pray that God speaks to your heart through His Word and draws you to delight in Him by His Spirit, opening the eyes of your heart to see Him in all things. I don’t know if your day is full of sunshine or heavy under the weight of the cares of this life, full of joy, or full of pain, but I pray you know the steadfast love of Jesus Christ today and that you find refuge in the shadow of His wings (Lamentations 3:21-23; Psalm 91, Deuteronomy 32:9-12).

 Gratitude to God:

(February 16, 2011)

14. A train whistle in the distance in the early morning

15. Waking early to be with God

16. Partaking of God’s Word, His Life, His glory to begin my day

17. The work God does in my heart, enabling me to give thanks to Him for life, for His love gracing every part of it

18. The cleansing of a hot shower

19. Putting on perfume Kevin picked for me

20. Listening to the hushed obedience of my daughters as they try to move quietly from the bedroom to the bathroom and back in the mornings

21. Listening to quiet and stillness, knowing YOU are GOD.

22. Wearing a lovely charm necklace Michaela, my growing 6 year old girl, picked out for me

23. Listening to my children enjoy each other’s company

24. Listening to favorite music (Brooke Fraser) moving through our house on the breeze coming through the open windows, while the kids frolic outside, wind whipping through their hair, cheeks aglow, breathless

25. Seeing wonder and innocence in my children’s eyes

26. Hearing my husband tell me how much he loves me and what I mean to him

27. Screams and squeals, a million giggles, as Daddy tickles and bites four tummies

28. Silas’ 3 year old affection for Kevin and me

29. Brooklynn and Michaela singing with all their hearts, as loudly as they can, lost in their play and imagination

30. Silas quite pitiful while having a normal stomach ache, insisting that he wants and needs to go to the hospital

(March 15, 2011)

31. The weight and warmth of a quilt

32. Quiet morning with Bible and coffee

33. Sitting at the table listening to the kids tell me what they are busy drawing

34. Reading a book

35. Pictures drawn by my little quartet for me and Daddy, and for loved ones near and far

36. Silas strutting out of the bathroom, grin on his face, announcing his big boy use of the toilet

37. Kissing Michaela and Kevin good-bye in the mornings, telling them I’ll be praying for their day

38. Saying “I love you’s” to those I love in everyday life

39. Candles lit

40. Sweet iced tea on a warm day

41. Water fun in the backyard

42. The thrill of getting bathing suits and trunks out for the first time in the new year

43. Celebrating spring

44. Breathing in the loveliness of the jasmines in the backyard

45. Making plans for our home with Kevin

46. Skype-ing with loved ones

47. Getting a letter, writing a letter, exchanging heartfelt e-mails with close friends and new friends, opening my life to them, and them sharing their lives with me

48. Kevin’s way of making me laugh, whether he tries to or not. Like when he groans in the discomfort of aging and falls into the bed one night, saying “My LIFE hurts…!”

49. Silas bursting through the door to tell me, eyebrows raised, eyes big, “I see FAT cwowds!!” (clouds)

50. Regaining strength from God’s Word at the end of a long day

51. My heart being lifted out of my self-made gloom by the Spirit of God

52. God drawing my heart out of shadows into His light and truth

53. Truth shattering lies, Light dispelling darkness

54. Listening to God speak to me

55. Breathing in, receiving the gift of Life in Christ, through prayer and soaking in the Word of God

56. Putting hard days and weeks behind me, but holding on to what God is teaching me

57. Delighting in God’s law, because it is His wisdom imparted to me through Christ. Christ strengthens me to delight in and keep the law, that otherwise would bury me in my sin and despair. (Meditating on Psalm 19)

58. God opening my eyes to see obedience to His law as His Spirit’s humbling work in me, His perfect strength in my utter weakness, wisdom guiding my feet, directing my path

59. Cherishing truth, treasuring the Gospel of Jesus Christ, my Lord

June 16, 2011

60. Lilies in full bloom at the table’s center

61. Silas, scrappy, tanned, 3 year old boy, walking around shirtless, talking tough, yet the only one to burst into tears repeatedly all morning

62. Solomon, tanned little 2 year old, following and threatening his big brother in play, all in his diaper

63. Watching “The Parent Trap” with the kids

64. Kevin and I wanting to be healthy and doing things to be so!

65. Kids quiet on the couch together, Brooklynn and Solomon sucking on their fingers, Solomon stroking his cherished silky blanket

(June 9, 2012)

66. All 6 of us (Daddy, Mommy, babes) eating danish (Danish, danishes? Is there a plural??) for breakfast outside, on a cool, June morning

67. A few more breezy, cooler spring days before summer heat settles in

68. Watching blue jays in the backyard, from the shade of the patio

69. Listening to a peaceful neighborhood on a Saturday morning, the quiet interrupted only by birds chirping and cooing

70. The kids’ laughter

71. How excited Silas gets over water fun in the summer

72. Getting sprayed by the hose as I fill up bins with water for the kids in the backyard, the kids laughing at me, me laughing with them, then spraying them down sending them running and screaming with delight

73. So glad they still get excited over bins full of water (even though they dream of swimming in Nana and Papa’s pool every day)!

(June 19, 2012)

74. Deep fuchsia gladiolus blooms bursting from tall, elegant green stems, gracing our dining table

75. A two hour long conversation on the phone with my sister, sharing the deep things of our hearts, speaking into each other’s lives, building each other up in faith, in hope, in love, in Christ. My sisters… sharing their faith with me from a time when I was very young until now, encouraging me as I grew with them, always loving me tenderly and caring for me, letting me stay at their side when I was too afraid to go out on my own… my sisters… who have always been the dearest of my friends, my sisters by blood, my sisters in Christ.

76. Spiritual mothers and fathers shepherding mine and Kevin’s hearts, speaking encouragement and wisdom to us, when we need to hear it most

78. The presence of “mothers and fathers” in my life reminding me of my Mom and Dad continually, causing me to pray for them continually, thinking on all I need to share with them in letters or e-mails that I need to write to them as soon as possible!

79. Knowing how much I am like both my Mom and Dad, seeing them in me every day; thinking on the years they raised me and my sisters and understanding them more and more as I grow older, and loving them more and more as I grow

80. My mother’s faith and trust in God, in all the years of nurture, toil, teaching, building, protecting, sacrificing, homemaking, supporting, caring, holding, giving, breaking, watching, fervent praying, hopes, fears, sweat, and tears… God pursued mine and my sisters’ hearts through her love, through all the ways she shows her love. Words cannot convey how grateful I am for the faithful years she nurtured us at home. It is a gift I cherish daily, because I am now able to do the same for my children.

81. My hard-working Dad, his zeal, his passion, his authenticity- his heart, his abandon to God and loving Him unashamed; how God taught me transparency and compassion through his example

82. My mother and father-in-law’s gracious, loving, soothing, calming presence 

83. Talks with my mother-in-law that I can never take for granted, the depth in her, the way she has always shared her life, her heart, and her faith with me since I was first brought into her life, into her family

84. My father-in-law’s warm hugs and smile, watching him take in funny, loud moments with his grandchildren, tickled by their silliness; the way he listens, his sense of humor, the precision with which he communicates when he does speak after so much listening

85. Quality time with loved ones

86. Quality time with brand-new friends, the beginnings of new friendships

87. Learning hospitality from watching my mom open up her home to loved ones and strangers alike for years and years, learning from her cheerfulness and service (though I’m not sure I’ll ever live up to her impeccable example!!)

88. My hospitable husband who has taught me to open up my heart as well as my home

89. The way my husband lovingly draws out of me what I struggle to hide

90. My husband’s patient, gentle words of encouragement and hope, speaking life to me, relying on God’s grace to minister to me, restoring what is broken

91. My husband leading me and our family with confidence in Christ, with humility and transparency, with a desire to always be growing, to always be growing in the Gospel of grace, in the knowledge of Jesus

92. My husband’s contagious passion, his sharp mind, his ability to articulate what many find hard to or impossible to; his care for people, his willingness to love, serve, and pursue others when that is a delight and when it is hard; his desire for those he knows to know the Gospel and be set free, to know Christ and the life found only in Christ.

(June 20, 2012)

93. The pleasure of enjoying all the simple things in life

94. Preparing my home for small group

95. The girls’ summer break from school being a much more peaceful time than I ever expected

96. Realizing that I can and want to teach Michaela the basics of playing the piano (thanks, Michelle :) Where are those rainbow colored piano books that you had that I liked so much??); this happening so naturally and so much more easily than I ever imagined it could

97. Seeing Silas take eager interest in learning how to play a song on the piano at 4 years old, seeing that he really loves the feel of the keys, seeing Kevin in this boy as plain as the nose on my face

98. Watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with my kids, laughing together at Mr. Wonka’s clever lines and antics

99. My kids’ sense of humor, how they are all silly and weird like Kevin and I

100. Singing and playing my guitar, God’s beautiful gift of music; being part of a musical family

Gratitude

  It's a Saturday morning, I woke up just after 6, not able to sleep. So my family is asleep at home and here I sit in Starbucks, with my mocha. We don't have internet at home and the itch to write was itching me as I laid there in bed, trying to dream of sleeping in, only to realize I was squeezing my eyes shut, dreaming of writing some things I want to share with you this morning.

  I am so happy to be writing today. It has been awhile. I have had many moments I've been restless to write in these past couple of months, but I have not found words to process what is in my heart to say. Through conversations, e-mails, letters, journaling, in our weekly small group when we gather with some of our church family to share our lives, the work God is doing in us, opening the Word together, these are the places God has seen fit for me to "process" lately, and I love it. It has caused me to absorb, savor, think deeply on all God is speaking to me through his Word, and I am so grateful. It makes me think of Mary in Luke 2:19, "But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." I want that quietness in my own heart.

  Yet, I am also so grateful for the times that I want to write and process this way, and I can, and I do!

  I have a friend who inspires me not only to write, because she is an incredibly gifted writer, but more specifically, to write down evidences of God's grace in my daily life. She was inspired by Ann Voskamp (author of One Thousand Gifts) to begin her own list of Gratitude to God.

  I came across my own list that I began in a journal last March. My listing fizzled out sometime in June of last year, but I am now so very glad that I began it. Reading over it when I found it recently has moved me to start afresh. I plan to record what I have so far from last year here, and pick up where I left off. It opens my eyes to see the Gospel alive and working and being applied to my heart and my life, and in the lives of those around me. I hope that as I write here, I can go further in my writing, listing not only my gratitude to God, but finding words to speak of the Gospel and how it is transforming me, how it can transform you, bearing fruit that will last, to the glory of God, in whatever circumstances. I pray that God allows me to do this. I ask Him for words to do this, for His glory.

  I have been prompted and encouraged by loved ones to write/record the goings-on of my little ones, while they are still little. I have been so grateful for this encouragement, it gives me a sense of urgency to gather up what I can before any more time passes. I've needed the creative outlet too, and this is perfect for that.

  So instead of squandering these precious moments as mere Facebook statuses :), I will treasure them here whenever possible. I've gathered some of the moments I've shared in Facebook, and I plan to keep them here too.

  "Why spend time writing all this out?" I've asked myself, and you may be wondering. It is my way of holding myself to something, making a commitment. Now that I've purposed to "store" these treasures here, it means that much more to me to write anything here at all, and for more than a creative outlet. This will be a place that I am being still to take time to articulate God's beauty in my world and my praise to Him for His presence gracing it in the big and small. So when I am not writing, I will be looking with eyes wide open for God's gifts of grace evident all around me, every day. Stepping back in gratitude to God, acknowledging Him in all things (Proverbs 3:5,6; Colossians 1:16,17).

  Being still, growing in the knowledge of Him.

  ...I want that quietness in my heart... I am asking God to cultivate it.




Gratitude to God for His gifts:


March 10, 2011


1. The smell and sound of the coffee pot brewing

2. Scribbled pictures everywhere, made by chubby toddler hands

3. Brooklynn adoring a new picture on the refridgerator

4. Solomon perched on the kitchen counter, happy, nothing else having worked to satisfy him

5. Solomon pointing out our loved ones pictures on the fridge

6. The kids getting blankets and towels out on the first hot day of the year and laying on them on the grass

7. Michaela singing to herself eating pretzels, curled up like a cat on her towel

8. Michaela still humming, under the towel now, rolling around lazily in the grass

9. Brooklynn busy passing out toys to her brothers as they lay in the sun

10. The boys laying under thermal winter blankets in the heat of the sun

11. Brooklynn shaking her pigtails about, loving how they fall about her shoulders

12. The warmth of the sunlight on my skin

13. Enjoying good health and beautiful weather after a winter of flus and chest colds, spending long days inside


Much more thanks to come...



 

 

Handicapped

I am handicapped.

It is my biggest secret. Well, I'd like to think so. Those who know and love me best know it's no secret at all, it's probably the most obvious thing about me.
I am painfully handicapped in getting into sharing "the ugly" of me. I have a terrible problem revealing, confessing, confiding my weaknesses, my struggles, my sin. God continues to convict me to grow in this. I keep learning that this is where the Gospel is applied so vividly in our lives, I want to be transparent without hesitation, to help and encourage others, to help me grow and mature, and bear fruit in God's grace that will last (Jn. 15:16).
I have a severe tendency to camp out on the positive, even to the point of irritating myself, because I have a very real, true, forceful desire to not add to anyone's weights, to be uplifting, an encourager. Sometimes I think it's like an obsessive compulsive tendency... (yeah... that's another post...)
As I grow in friendships, I realize that I do this to a fault. I 'handicap' the transparency of my beloved friendships in how I err on this end. I see that this tendency breeds pride in that I can avoid revealing my own 'dark places' and weaknesses, which I do not want to do at all. But I do, I do it without even knowing I'm doing it, and then, it's done.
There was a time I was simply afraid for others to see my 'dark places', my immaturity, selfishness, laziness, insecurity... Over time, with age, I become less and less concerned about how I am perceived when letting others in to see the real me, the good (fruitfulness in God's grace), the bad, the ugly.
In weeks gone by, God has opened my eyes to see what has been left in the shadows of my heart. I see that I now struggle with revealing struggles (ridiculous) because I have actually convinced myself that I am wasting another's time by asking them to help me, to listen, to speak into my life. I scold myself, thinking, "Don't waste their time and energy, Danae, asking them to do what you are old enough to do for yourself! Pick yourself back up and get over it!!"
It is true there are definitely times I need to suck it up and put those big girl panties on! :) I believe in these times! ;) But believing that I shouldn't ask for help, that I can always suck it up and do it on my own, is believing a lie.
I need my sisters to speak the Gospel to me, to remind me of God's Word, to speak truth and wisdom to my mind and my heart, to give me sound advice and loving instruction. I am slowly learning that I need to create and initiate opportunities for my sisters to speak into my life, weeding out the lie I've believed for far too long.
I need to hear them speak what I already know in my heart, because I can't always draw truth out and pick myself back up. I need to hear them speak because I don't always remind myself of God's unchanging truth, love, and character and how He applies all that is in His heart to my life through Christ for His glory. I need to hear them speak to confront the lies I yell at myself and choose to believe.
My husband says something from time to time that never seems to get too old for me to hear (I am paraphrasing, he says it better ;), "You're only as accountable as you want to be. The people God places in our lives can't do anything to make us or keep us accountable. It is up to us how open and honest we want to be, how much we want to grow in transparency (which I believe is a key sign of growing in humility; that's my, Danae's, two cents :), it takes practice. Our brothers and sisters in Christ can listen, speak truth, give godly advice. Their investment in our accountability is in simply being there to do this when we need them to."


I have pondered these things for some time. Weeks ago, when Michaela had a tonsillectomy, and since, while Brooklynn has dealt with strep, and Kevin has been sick, I have felt my capacity to handle life shrink down, having only the mental and emotional fortitude to spend on the 6 members of our household. :) In these "down times" I withdraw from life outside my family, from extended family and friends, from really pursuing church family, I've been doing this for years. I think it's a normal thing for wives and moms to do in these seasons. Obviously, I am tired in these times, my time is full with attending to my family, my focus is narrowed.
However, something came to light in these past weeks that I have not recognized before. This time I saw that I specifically withdrew from my friends because I wasn't necessarily uplifting to be around, I wasn't really positive, I was rather cynical and negative, I couldn't come up with anything especially encouraging to say when enjoying time or conversation with them, I found that I was avoiding interaction that went really deep or got too real. I'd pull away kicking myself for it. Who are these friends, these sisters to me, but the very ones I can confide in and share all my heart with, even and especially when I needed to be vulnerable? What was/is wrong with me that I would withold this part of me from them??? (I am visualizing Rapunzel in "Tangled', face sunk into the ground, groaning, "I am a despicable human being.")
These questions convicted me and I couldn't rest until I surrendered these things to God.
My beloved sisters in Christ, how I've failed you and robbed our friendship(s) time and time again from my lack of vulnerability, from my hiding. How patient, how gracious and kind you are to me, loving me in spite of my handicap, how I handicap our transparency with each other, because of my lack or neglect of it. How dear you are to me- I want to grow in sharing my life with you as I should, as I need to.

Gathering these ponderings today has helped me be still long enough to ask God to make and keep the soil in my heart soft, so these seeds can take root. I pray that through the watering and washing of the Word, by God's Spirit tending to my heart, I will grow in transparency and humility before Him, so I can grow in this before others, for His glory.



Some verses that have come to mind while I've been writing today...

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." (Gal. 11:30)
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses... for when I am weak, then I am strong. (Gal. 12:9&10)

Rainy Day thoughts

It's been a quiet Monday inside my home with my boys, a day that feels like rain may come.
I am heavy with thought, as I usually am on any cloudy day I can get here in usually sunny Bakersfield, CA. Perhaps that is why I have begun this blog on this very random Monday, I've been waiting for just the right melancholy moment...(smile)
I've analyzed and over-analyzed why on earth I want to start my own blog. I am surrounded by dear, beautiful women who have begun the blogging journey, writing so beautifully, sharing their deepest heart thoughts, their growth, pointing me to Christ, encouraging my soul, building up those who follow. I have received so much from how these women have shared their lives in this way, that with every new post I read, it stirs my own desire to put to words what is churning within me.
I have analyzed, been convicted of, repented of, my desire to just be heard. Blogging is humbling I find, because it is a place to write whether or not anyone is listening. In my journal, my writing is safe, because I can say I intended for no one to read it! I have learned from those whose blogs I follow that it takes guts to write like this, I see them as some of the bravest people I know.
So, write, I MUST. I don't know why, it is a strange outlet for me, because I usually don't know what I want to write in the first place. Which makes me feel like I am punishing anyone who is helplessly reading anything I write, like I am doing now... which is why I stick to journaling and now am wondering why I'm even doing this again. (sigh) For whoever may read this, bless your heart, you didn't know what you were in for...

The last four paragraphs are the perfect example of why I began this blog today. I am left alone with my thoughts too much. Even when I share with others, I withhold a black hole of thoughts gone wild, going in every direction, it is evidence of God's grace to me when I can interact with others with any self-control or communicate anything at all! I think too much... more specifically, I think about MYSELF too much. More specifically still, I think about my thoughts about myself too much. It's nauseating...ok, let's be honest, Danae, it's totally disgusting and repulsive really. Writing this blog will be for the times that I want to make it a point to shutup. Which is ironic, because I will "shutup" through writing... it'll make sense in the end, I suppose!
I want to stop. To look away from myself. To turn and repent of my pride. To repent of how inward I turn, how wayward my heart is...and ask the God who searches my heart and knows my thoughts (Psalm 139), the God I hunger and thirst for (Psalm 63:1), to lift up my head and turn my face, all my desires, all my affections, all of my inmost parts to behold Him.
I hate my self-absorption. In this moment, I hate it. But in a few moments I may love it again, and not even know it. Being absorbed in myself is my deepest sin, my greatest bondage. It is the drunken stupor I am lost to without knowing I am drunk.
I am convicted of it today. I am drawn out of it to clarity of mind through God's Word. I want to be still, to know my God...is God. In Hebrews, I read today, "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." (Hebrews 4:11&12) I pray Psalm 139, "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Today, I pray, God, make me still, open my heart to Your truth, and cause my heart to cling to You. Let me grow in the knowledge of You, Jesus, and not be lost to my own emptiness and fruitlessness today. Help me to see You, to know You more. Amen.